from another mother’s blog I faithfully read…

Unworthy…

July 10, 2008 at 10:00 pm · Written by Amber Stoffer on http://sprinkles.wordpress.com/

So some people have recently commented on some posts telling me I’m a good mom. That pretty much blows me away because most of the time I feel like I’m standing in the middle of the house in my sweats with snot and spit-up on them (not mine, mind you), no makeup and hair in a messy ponytail, looking around at dirty dishes, fingerprinted windows, a stack of bills, dusty endtables, and crumb-y carpet thinking, “Huh?”
What happened?
Who am I?
Where did these kids come from?
What do I do with them?
Whose house is this?
What do I do now?
Do you ever feel like that? Like, wasn’t I just 18 and living on my own, making my own money, spending it as I pleased, with a TON of free time?? Wasn’t that just yesterday? Really- WHERE does the time go? Will I ever FEEL my age? Will I ever FEEL like a wife? Will I ever FEEL like a mom?
I L-O-V-E my life, my husband, and my kids. Please know that. I love them more than ANYTHING. It just feels like so often I find myself thinking- how did I get here!?! You know? When I was younger I always thought there would be some magical age that I would begin to feel like an adult. I’m beginning to think that age doesn’t exist!
I was talking with a lady at church a few weeks ago about this very topic and she said something that hit me. She said, “Often I look around and think- who is responsible for all of these children? And then I realize it’s ME! Who thought I was responsible enough to have my OWN children?”
When I think about that, the only possible answer is God. He thinks she’s worthy. He thinks I’M worthy. So even when I don’t feel that way inside I know HE thinks that of me. And I thank Him for the opportunity to raise up some little people to know Him.
So thanks for the comments even though I don’t feel that way all the time. It makes me want to try a little harder. And makes me want to go in the other room and turn off the video I put on for my son…

Well – the parts in bold absolutely sum up how I a feeling this week about being pregnant!  Standing in Babies R Us registering for the crib, the stroller travel system, picking a diaper bag, and nursery “stuff” I thought to myself, “Oh, God – you’re giving me a kid and I think I’m going to freak out!”  It’s funny.  I’ve wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember.  I started supervised babysitting at 10-years-old and by 12 I was Infant/Child First-Aid and CPR certified.  I had gotten certification from the Red Cross for babysitting.  I was preparing for the day I would have one of those little squirmy things for myself.  And now the day is quickly approaching – 17 weeks to go.  I am utterly nervous that this dream of mine is going to come crashing down and I’m not going to be the mother I always planned on being.
I worked in a private pre-school/daycare for three years starting off as an assistant in the toddler room then moving to toddler teacher, toddler supervisor, center supervisor, and eventually assistant manger.  I loved every day of my work with those little ones of all ages.  Now I am petrified because I’m going to have one that is all mine.
Seriously, I have planned and dreamed for so long that I am overwhelmed at the thought of it all coming to be.

Dear God, please let me be the mother I want to be.  Let me love my children the way you love your children.  Let me be the example that my own mother was to me.  Be with Jeff and me as we become parents together.  Let us work together and never against each other.  Let us respect each other in our parenting.  Let this child, this little girl, grow up in You.  Let her not be as boy crazy as I was (I’m wanting a Katie Quinn here).  Let us find strength in Your Word and in Your teachings so that we may be the parents you designed us to be.  Now that this dream, this wish, is coming true, God, I am so scared.  Thank you for this blessing.  Please help me deserve it.  Amen.

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